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Welcome to Transformed, Part 3 in a 3-part series, Confronting the Realities of Pre-Marital Sex. For my complete story, check out Part 1 and Part 2, Tangled and Frustrated. There, you’ll learn about a time when my heart and my mind were jumbled up and confused, and I lived a life that was disappointing and inconsistent with beliefs I valued.
Now, let me share how I moved from tangled and frustrated, to transformed.
My sexual behaviors had become unmanageable, and I was powerless to do anything to fix it.
I was POW-ER-less!!! Repeat after me: powerless!!!
My promises to live consistently with my values were, as one Christian writer put it, like ‘ropes of sand.’
After several years of engaging in sexual intimacy outside of marriage, I finally dragged myself into a fellowship of other people who were also struggling with unhealthy relationships. In those meetings and conversations with the members, I finally started to believe that God had enough grace, forgiveness, love, and power to change people—even change me.
Because I am also a musician, song lyrics also reminded me that I could transfer my uselessness-masquerading-as-power to the Higher Power I call God. Divine help was “Just a Prayer Away” (Yolanda Adams).
“If you don’t have a willing heart, ask Him to give you one. If you can’t seem to make a start, trust in His power. For the Lord of love is watching you. He sees what you’re going through. He will make a way—if you want Him to. Do you want Him to? Then tell Him so.” (Willing Heart, Kelly Willard)
I took the challenge. I started to pray. I told God I wanted to do better, but I just couldn’t do it alone—not in my own strength, willpower, education, or culture.
He came through—God accepted the job of helping me overcome my powerlessness. Now I’m under new management.
I was transformed—Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone! The new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17, NIrV)
This is what it feels like to wake up free and forgiven!
Let me end this post by sharing a coveted gift from God.
Knowing how much I love colors, fabrics, creative expressions and beautiful design, God gave me the gift of curating stylish outfits, from thrifted pieces no less! Skillfully choosing interchangeable pieces to create countless looks and outfits! Compliments galore! Wearing my faith! Shining with elegance, not sexiness! What an amazing assortment of gifts!
In Tangled, Part 1 of this series, I told you about some distortions I had about God that led to wrong thinking and behaving that were not consistent with my values.
In Frustrated, Part 2, I revealed some consequences of these distortions, including experiences with sex outside of marriage.
But best of all, in Transformed, Part 3, I share with you just how freeing and joyful it feels to go from Tangled and Frustrated, to Transformed in and with the power of God. TFT!
I was transformed—Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone! The new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17, NIrV)
God has transformed me. God is transforming me. And God will continue to transform me.
He can do the same for you. I wish you well on your journey, dear Reader.
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Copyright © 2024 Training for Transformation, Inc. All rights reserved.
Welcome to Frustrated, Part 2 of a 3-part series, Confronting the Realities of Pre-Marital Sex. Check out Part 1, Tangled, to read about some distorted Christian principles that shaped my views and behaviors about sexual intimacy.
In this post, I share about some high costs associated with sex without the benefit of the marriage commitment. Somewhere along my life’s journey, I discovered that some of my distress around sexual intimacy was based on what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance”—discrepancies between my intellectual commitment (i.e., wanting to live in ways that honor God) and my behaviors (i.e., satisfying my basic needs for love and affection in ways that were inconsistent with my “stated” values).
During those years when I was engaging in sexual intimacy outside of marriage, I often felt at least two pervasive emotions: deep sadness and shame about my choices, and fear of being found out. Here is how each emotion manifested itself.
Deep Sadness and Shame
Sometimes when I felt lonely, I would look for a way to satisfy my needs for security and love with a sexual experience. Even though I said I wanted to honor God by living His way, instead I chose my own way to meet my needs. The “return on my investment” was only temporary pleasure, followed by loneliness—the morning after left me alone again, and my heart ached with deep sadness.
Here’s an example. During my sexually active days, I might engage with someone for a period of time. After a few dates and good times, I would say to myself, “This just might lead to the security and committed relationship I long for. It seems like he’s really into me.” (No pun intended.) But then, fade to black. I was disappointed with myself for not living up to the values I had claimed were mine. And I felt abandoned.
The shame surfaced when people said nice things about me—something I said or did. I welcomed their praise and thanked them. However, I felt ashamed about my double life. I thought, “If they really knew what I was struggling with, they would most likely condemn me instead of praise me.”
And for a people pleaser like me, condemnation was a very heavy burden.
Wanting a loving relationship that would result in a happy, lifelong marriage led to what I call “people-pleasing on steroids.” Empty, lonely feelings robbed me of the pleasures God intended for sexual intimacy between husband and wife in a committed, lifelong marriage, and I ended up not really pleasing myself or my partner for the long haul.
I could only hope that no one would find out about my intense struggle with sex outside of marriage.
Sidebar: There is something I must add here. It’s about fertility in the lives of many women in their childbearing years. During this season, our hormones vacillate. At various points in the menstrual cycle, the libido LIT UP!!!!!!!!!! This is normal. However, I had said I valued celibacy. So, the disconnect between my value and my behavior haunted me when they didn’t align. I felt like a failure for not keeping my promises.
I was frustrated—unsuccessful and disappointed.
As “fate” would have it, my secret longings for a loving, committed relationship resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. (I used the term “fate”, but actually it was the natural outcome of having unprotected sex. But I was in denial that it would actually happen.)
As the days and months went by, it became apparent that a little person was growing inside me. My struggle was showing! While I was excited about becoming a mother, I also felt relieved—now my struggle had become public; no more hiding.
The pregnancy—and subsequently motherhood—launched me into an entirely new season of life. Read about it in Transformed, Part 3 of this series coming soon.
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Copyright © 2024 Training for Transformation, Inc. All rights reserved.
I was born into an intact, Christian family with both my biological father and biological mother present. But life was challenging for our family from the beginning.
We were poor, and my father was not a good provider. Dad also had a terrible temper, which included lots of yelling and sometimes hitting. He was unpredictable. He was also a womanizer and unfaithful to my mother.
Later, Dad and Mom were separated and then divorced. He was gone before I was a teenager.
Until my early/mid–20’s, I lived as if my father’s absence had no impact on me. I was making my way through school, going to church, working, playing, and just living what I thought was a “normal” life.
But then, I began realizing how my “backstory” was affecting me.
Impact of My Father’s Absence
I never really had a healthy, long-term relationship with my biological father—I missed out on having a loving bond with him.
And I became really sad as I watched my beloved late mother struggle to raise our family as a single mom. By the time of her death, she had raised four generations of us.
I came to a point where I hated my father because of how he treated my mom and us and because of how he lived—different at home than how he was at church. I was cordial with him, but there was not much respect or genuine love.
But as time passed and I grew into my teenage and young adult years, I realized that I was exhibiting some of the same characteristics that my Father displayed when he was still living with us. It was like he modeled it and I adopted it.
And I realized that I had a distorted view of marriage and family, and I had no real model from my dad of what being a loving husband and father looked like.
What’s the Point?
So, why am I telling you all this?
The key point here is that your backstory—the people, the places, the events, and the experiences of your past, both the good and the bad—can affect you today and into your future.
And more to the point is this. Good mental health includes completing your past—unpacking the unwanted emotional baggage you still carry around with you, finding healing for the wounds you experienced, processing the regrets from your past, and attending to unfinished business.
Completing Your Past
Am I suggesting that you need to live in the past? No! That will only keep you from living well in the present.
Am I suggesting that you obsess over your past? Again, no! Living well in the present requires focusing on the present.
What I’m suggesting is that living well in the present will sometimes require bringing some closure to some aspects of your past so you can be more fully present in the here and now.
What Does That Look Like?
Let me share three principles for living that have helped and continue to help me complete my past.
First, learn, grow, and change.
Second, adopt a forward vision for living.
Third, be in community.
Call to Action
“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” (Philippians 3:13–14, NLT)
Complete your past.
So that you may live more fully in the present.
While, looking forward to God’s future for you.
Join Our Email List on our Home page to be notified when new blogs are posted and to receive other TFT updates.
Visit our Online Resource Center for resources on sexuality, wellness, and change.
Contact Us to schedule TFT Services: life coaching, communications, or consulting.
Copyright © 2024 Training for Transformation, Inc. All rights reserved.